Dark Side

 In this world of imaginary measures, he has become incredibly powerful in the art of understanding. Without him, my own heart would feel nothing for this story. There he sits on the highest pedestal I could build him and all I can really do is stare. All the beautiful traits a man could hold radiate from his personality. The stark white screen has become a stunning portrait of what a real man should pass as, and all the while, in the furthest crevices of my mind there is this looming fear of his other side. His terribly profound dark side. 

We are all two halves. The good is inevitably followed by an equally leveled bad, and he is no more exempt from this then the next man. Reality proves, that given the right circumstances, our ugly side will undoubtedly rear itself and capture our attention. We, as people, hold on to these particularly horrendous acts because in truth, they define us and our capabilities. So while up until now, this wonderful specimen of the male species has put me in awe, I now have to fight the anger he will certainly create in my center. 

Does this alter reality echo truth from my current frame of mind? I’m not sure yet…I am watching the words carefully from this moment forward because as tough as it is going to be, I refuse to take him off that pedestal he’s been on this entire time. Shouldn’t the statement, ‘We should always see the good in people before pointing out all the bad’, be the way we interact with others. Give them the benefit of the doubt before crucifying them because of one day of bad judgment? Yes, he may cause the worst pain my leading lady has ever felt, but in truth he has filled her with so much love, the pendulum may not tip far too deep.

My challenge has been to make 1 day, 1 encounter, 1 unwasted moment last as long as it can, because tomorrow is never promised to any of us, especial not her.  His smile, intoxicating laugh, and even that incredible moment where all his walls had come down, are instances where I asked myself, What if he hadn’t inspired that?   Would I have gotten to the point I’m at now?

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All good things face a troubled storm. It is always bittersweet to have a special memory tucked away and know it will only be real furthermore in your conscience mind.

Absence making the heart fonder - HA!

What is it they say about absence making the heart grow fonder? Who coined that phrase? Seriously...I almost want to slap them. That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. One minute I am working, writing, doing something so very mundane and the next I am thinking about that deranged person who drove me nuts in one fashion or another. Terms of endearment, take them as that.

The worst part of any one person's absence in our lives is that they are oblivious of how it genuinely impacts our day-to-day. Then you have those 'friends' who like to post word pictures that try to warm our hearts with the- if they are not in your life its not meant to be. ~shakes head~

I get it, I really do. People are like seasons in our lives. We keep rotating spring, summer, fall, and winter until we grow out of them. Then like an ice age, the climate changes and we lose everything that is common to us. Newness sets in and something alters the state of things.

I'm sorry but life isn't filled with Ice Ages and I really don't want to miss the colorful people I've come to know because the seasons push us apart. Life gets complicated, people get complicated and somehow or another we end up feeling an absence that shouldn't be felt to begin with.

Sometimes I feel like I'm wandering through a crowded room and all I feel is the absence. My heart doesn't grow any fonder and all that ends up happening is that I miss those I once cherished more. Hurt is suppose to bring on reflection but reflection it self accomplishes nothing for others. Especially when the door has been shut for so very long.

It doesn't really matter in the end because if they didn't feel your absences, they obviously never cared enough to live in your same season of life. The phrase should not say, 'grow fonder', it should be 'grow stronger' for a loss that does not kill you, surely makes you stronger.

Newest Book Launch thoughts...

This past weekend I held the official book launch for my second published novel, Mark of the Manticore. Looking back now on all the little details that went into making the day spectacular, I can honestly say I wouldn't have done anything different. I'm not sure about other authors, but every novel I finish becomes like a child to me, one borne of the soul. They are unique and hold a tiny piece of our hearts in them.
This novel, for those of you who haven't checked out my website, is a science fiction. A journey from beginning to end that has brought a few eyebrows to be raised- which is fine with me.

I read a few sections and realized what I'm most nervous about in regards to this book. Standing up, in a room filled with family and friends, and even a few new followers, I came to grips with the fact that here I have released a first in the series, and I have yet to finish the second novel...YIKES!!!

I really need to get back to having a writing schedule!!

For more information on Mark of the Manticore and how to purchase the book, visit my website:
http://www.aprilgutierrez.webs.com

Another Character write up.....

Henry Christopher

The encounter reminded me of a stream of lyrics in a song I vaguely recall. I wanted to hug him and make all his sorrows disappear. I had fallen back into the woes of wanting to fix him, mend him so that he was right again. The lyrics, if I could remember them correctly were: if you could only see yourself through my eyes. We had sat there and had a full fledged conversation, where the topics came and went providing a hardly quiet time. The ease of it all pushed me to realize that he is in fact a kindred spirit, someone that made it simple to be around. And all the while I felt more strongly to have him realize his own strength.

If he could only see himself the way I have always seen him, he would know how amazing he truly is. He wouldn’t feel frail because he is a rock, my pillar of truth. My polar north when all else fails reality. He would never doubt his ability because those who love him have never failed to feel pride from all that he does. He would blindly trust another, give it freely, without realize how he evokes trust from strangers by merely listening. He would feel no fear of the unknown, because although he may be riddled with terror upon taking action, he surpasses it and just takes that step forward to do what he set out to do. His ability to wrangle fear shines light on his immense courage and blind faith. We can laugh to hear how a supposed faithless person holds on to an incredible amount of blind faith. It is his inner faith which allows him to have courage enough to fight all the qualms that plague him. This brings me to his confidence. How a person who has managed to accomplish so much and do so much, still has so little confidence in himself. This, apart from everything else, is why I wish he could see himself through my eyes. 

He is amazing, incredible, magnificent, and all the many adjectives that could describe how I see him. All the energy he wastes battling the inner fury with himself could explain a lot but he doesn’t even realize it. He gives without knowing what he is giving. Pieces of himself are scattered everywhere and in everyone he manages to touch and yet, he struggles with taking. The lesson is that you cannot make someone take. That old saying mocking and joking: You can walk a horse to the water but you cannot force him drink. 

If he could only see what I see, he would believe that he is more than he gives himself credit for. He is a diamond in the rough waiting. 

My New Male Character: Henry Christopher ;)~ Part of MT2

Tall, Dark, and Handsome is he who torments the heart. Everything he is should be enough to make her turn and Run in the other direction. However for some strange reason she is drawn towards him, all the while wishing the imaginary string binding her to him would snap. He is the polar north, and she the spinning arrow. The invisible magnetic attraction inevitably wins every time. The more she fights to spin in the other direction, the stronger he becomes.  

Why is it, that in life, we often find ourselves in these scenarios. Fighting so hard to go against our feelings. Going against the grain becomes immensely attractive and alluring. This unavoidably gives just cause to all the naysayers who make it a sport to expose all of our flaws. 

Fine, she is flawed and willingly admits it. But that is when she would tend to smile, that instant she confesses to the world that she is not perfect. It is her inner demon laughing at the world, mocking their petty hatred. Her inner demon lives every selfish moment, every splendid kiss, and each spectacular embrace that she is not meant to feel. Her inner demon never regrets the choices made. Every action instinctively derives from the knowledge that we will never be here again. Never will we have a second chance to decide to live in the precious moments we create. 

Her inner demon refuses to fight when looking into his seductive gaze. All she cares about is that he is there and she doesn’t have to fight the pull anymore. Everything falls into place and the heart can beat as it should. No side stepping the truth. Inwardly she knows how wrong it all may be, but giving up would be like chipping away at a heart that has already been shattered. So she lets her inner demon smile and do as she pleases where he is concerned. 

The torment is the bittersweet reality of knowing he only comes to her in stolen moments. He is her tall, dark, and handsome prince with crystal blue eyes who isn’t really real. He is a fictional character who’s become too real in a shadow. He is a thief in the light of day, not realizing the mountains she would move to not have to give him up.

The Fork.

Often times it’s easy for a person to be lost from our memories. Absentmindedly we lose the line of their face, the curve of their gut-wrenching smile. In a blink of an eye time passes and we fail to remember how they smelt on a sweet spring afternoon or how the sound of their laughter echoed in the confines of a room. Inevitably they become ghosts of our past and we only recall the emotions their presence left behind. 

The devil’s reprisal for having loved is to feel loss. In and out people trample our souls, leaving their prints all over who we use to be and unknowingly assist in molding us into who we become. The elderly have often warned to live life without ever having regrets. Even the worst mistakes can be passed off as having lived. The choices we make ripple reactions out of our control. A simple smile towards a wandering soul could have untold outcomes, but would they ever be deemed mistakes? 

Countless times we face that infamous fork in the road leaving us to decide which choice to make. Will it be the straight and narrow or the mysterious and unknown, either way the outcome will leave us wondering if we made the right choice? It is in these specific moments where memories of past choices haunt us. Those often forgotten faces dance in our paths to make us feel the tang of regret. The should-of, could-of, would-of phrase rings and ‘BAM!’ we are right back to where we started. Scars and all, we feel everything we’ve ever learned from choices all at once. 

Why then are we so quick to forget the curve of evil grins and the tantalizing sound of wicked humor? Shouldn’t we stay on the path which lures us in ever so blindly, so that we may keep track of the mistakes? Vacant is the mind that bleeds with a love so greatly disdained. Tomorrow is always another chance, possibility of something new, or even a new reason to regret, but today is only filled with a mourning heart that pleads for one thing. 

Compassion.

It doesn't take long to tell someone you love them.

It doesn't take long to tell someone you love them.

I saw this statement tonight and came full circle with a struggle I’ve had recently. Love has always been a fun thing to watch, pay attention to, and of course- pick apart. Love is an enigma and many don’t even realize it. The Single emotion little girls strive all their lives to attain, and boys pray to never get sucked in by. 

Words have become a second in form of communication in this day in age. Our generations of computerlites have just about come up with a new language for their day to day discussions. Get on any social networking site and you must know the acronyms to maneuver through a status update or conversation. I myself have struggled with not letting my students write OMG in their written responses. 

My point- We are getting further into a regression of opening up, of mastering the art of communication in real life situations and the single word at fault: Love. We have so many ways to hide behind the truth these days, avoiding our emotions at the expense of time. Time which is ultimately the most precious of commodities is wasted because of emotions that we have been taught to suppress. 

Example: (fear)Don’t tell her you love her, she may not love you back. (shame)Don’t tell her you love her, she may think something is wrong with you. (anger)Don’t tell her you love her, you are mad at her. (revenge)Tell her you love her, so when she admits her love in return you can just say you lied. –THAT ONE IS DUMB BY THE WAY!

What difference does it flipping make one way or the other? If you love someone, take the time to get the message across. A friend, a family member, your soul mate, they all need to hear that they hold a precious place in your heart. That in the time we have been given on this earth, our hearts have beat louder, stronger, and more agile because of the love they’ve instilled in it. These people, who have their own struggles and paths, are placed in our lives to help shape us, mold us into what we are meant to be. 

It takes less than 3 seconds to say the phrase, and yet its impact is monumental, life changing in fact. It is the feeling behind the words which takes a lifetime to express. Don’t waste the moments you have with those you love.